The toxic dating habit you might be doing without realising
Have you ever looked at your partner and thought, “If only they would change one thing… everything would be perfect?”
Maybe you’ve tried to get them clothes that don’t match their usual style or pushed them toward hobbies they don’t really have an interest in.
A new hair colour they’ve never liked, but you prefer?
If so, you might be practising a behaviour now being called “Frankensteining”.
The name comes from the classic tale of “Frankenstein”, where a scientist builds a new living being from mismatched body parts.
In modern dating, it means trying to reshape your partner’s appearance, interests, habits, or personality. As a result, they better reflect your idea of a perfect partner than who they actually are.
Marriage and family therapist Sara Sloan says this isn’t a new problem, but it has a new catchy name, and that name is spreading awareness; people are noticing it’s more common than most people realise. It’s always existed in relationships.
Frankensteining often appears once the early excitement of a new relationship starts to fade.
Some people feel it’s easier to mould the partner they already have than to face the discomfort of ending the relationship and returning to the dating world.
The changes often start small, with new clothes or a suggestion for a new hobby.
The clearest warning sign is a repeated thought: if they would only change this one thing, the relationship would be so much better. When that thought drives your actions, you’re not really supporting your partner; you’re trying to turn them into someone else.
So what might start as an attempt to improve the relationship can quickly become controlling. Often, sending a message to your partner isn’t enough, as they are.
Sloan says that Frankensteinianism undermines a partner’s autonomy. It treats them like an object rather than a person with their own tastes, goals and identity.
This can be conscious or unconscious; someone might genuinely believe they are being supportive when they are actually trying to force a change./
The difference matters. Genuine support respects the other person’s wishes. Frankenstein centres on what you want them to become, and only you.
So if you’re reading this and starting to worry you might be pushing for change a bit too much, remember that the healthiest relationships let both people stay themselves. Change is always welcome, but if core differences make you really unhappy, the kinder choice is often to end the relationship and explain why you feel the way you do, rather than try a makeover.
Sloan recommends focusing on your partner’s autonomy.
Accept that they will not match every detail of your ideal, and decide whether the real person in front of you is someone you want to be with.
If you recognise these patterns in your own dating life, a small mindset shift can protect both people involved.
Try looking for a connection with the person as they are, not the 100% version you wish you could build.
Then you can grow together.
